| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2006|09:06 pm] |
I'm pretty confident that no one uses livejournal anymore. And very confident that no one is going to read this post. I'm just so down. Why? Same old same old. I really think things are getting better but I don't feel like things are getting better. This is because last year at this time I thought things were getting better and DID feel like things were getting better but before winter everyone was gone. I can't help but feel it's going to happen all over again. I just don't get why I can't keep people around. What's wrong with me.
and then there's jason. My exboyfriend. now, you'll see why I say that. Thing is, I went out with him a couple of years ago, long time ago. But he's the only boyfriend I've ever had. He's had other girlfriends since. That's another thing, related yet different. Why can't I find a boyfriend. I think it's just because I take relationships seriously. Most kids "go out" then break up in a couple of weeks. and then they have a new "BF, GF" not me though, I really want someone I can be with. I got really hurt before, I want someone who is really worth the risk. BUt then....why not? WHy not just do the two week thing. Rip through 20 little boyfriends before I graduate. not too bad of an I dea but realisticly I could never do that. So heartless. But back to jason, so he's sick and in partial hospitalization. So he's home as in at his house and not at college. And at first I felt like I should keep him company because he really wanted to go to school. But it excavted to now I'm taking advantage of him being around. and I don't really feel like we're true friends. I think he's just nice to me becasue he feels bad. I tell him when I'm down and tell him about my problems but he doesn't really do that for me. It' tough because I don't have a lot of friends but he does. So he's like my best friend but I really don't mean anything to him. He doesn't need me. His family cares about him so much. He doesn't need support. and he's got friends that are actually his age and have things in common with him he doesn't need my company.
And I feel like I'm really taking advantage of him and not just that, I rely on him too much. Maybe if instead of calling him I'd call some kids from school and then maybe have some real friends. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|12:17 am] |
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i kinda wish I had a boyfriend. I swore off relationships for good...but that was years ago. It's been years since I've been in a relationship. And I've only been in one. I hate being a doormat. I mean, I'll do it, if that's what you want. but...I wish I didn't have to. |
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| you make me feel so worthless |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|07:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  I feel sooo cheap | ] |
| [ | music |
| | garbage | ] |
I wish I had not woke up today
Everyone mistakes the things you say
Take the simple truth and
Twist it all around
Make it sound important
Make it seem profound
Dog new tricks
Nothing you learn will stick
Dog new tricks
You make me feel so worthless
Everyone I know has gone away
Died or left or just forgot to stay
Sometimes took for granted
Sometimes turned away
Sometimes didn't say what
I meant to say
Dog new tricks
Nothing you learn will stick
Dog new tricks
You make me feel so worthless
Nothing you learn
I never would have pegged you
For what you have become
Everyone lies
Everyone cheats
Not like you've done
Dog new tricks
Nothing you learn will stick
Dog new tricks
You make me feel so worthless
Nothing you learn
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| school |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|08:12 pm] |
so...um...so.....
I don't know. I know I want to talk about this but I don't want to reveal too much. This is just kinda weird for me. Maybe i just won't say anything. i'm just freaking out. Like I spent the whole summer alone, not "single" alone. ALONE alone. No friends no nothing. It's like I don't know how to be someone's friend anymore. and now school tomorrow. You know what I'm scared of? LUNCH. that panic when I have my tray and just stand there all panic because i don't have anyone to sit with.
The way I figure it, this year HAS to be better. There is no way it could be worse. Does that mean I'm optimistic? Not really, I'm just saying that trying to convince myself. and I don't really believe it.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|03:40 pm] |
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I did find some time to take my yearly purity test. At the end of summer every year since freshmen year I've taken the same test. And well...the scores do get lower and lower. You really don't need to click the "calculate" button. You can pretty much figure out how messed up you are just taking the test. "Oh!...I have done that! gosh, what am I doing with my life?!"
<table width="500" style="margin: 5px; border: 1px solid #cc0000; padding: 8px; font: 10pt arial, verdana, 'sans serif'; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff" align="center"><tr style="background-color: #ffccff; font: 12pt arial, verdana, 'sans serif';"><td colspan="5" style="text-align: center;"><strong>Your <A href="http://www.theferrett.com/purity2/">Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 Score</a> Is... </strong></td></tr><tr><td style="padding: 4px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-color: #FF0000; border-bottom-style: solid; font-weight: bold" width="20%"> </td><td style="padding: 4px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-color: #FF0000; border-bottom-style: solid; font-weight: bold" width="20%">Your Score:</td><td style="padding: 4px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-color: #FF0000; border-bottom-style: solid; font-weight: bold" width="20%">Average For All Users</td><td style="padding: 4px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-color: #FF0000; border-bottom-style: solid; font-weight: bold" width="20%">Average For All Straight Liberal Single Light Brown-Skinned 14 to 20-Year old Females<br />(48 total)</td><td style="padding: 4px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-color: #FF0000; border-bottom-style: solid; font-weight: bold" width="20%"> </td></tr><tr valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Dating</strong></td><td width="20%">11.54%</td><td width="20%">34.19%</td><td width="20%">35.26%</td><td width="20%">Gone steady </td></tr><tr style="background-color: #ffffcc;" valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Self-Lovin'</strong></td><td width="20%">46.97%</td><td width="20%">61.61%</td><td width="20%">72.1%</td><td width="20%">When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself </td></tr><tr valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Shamelessness</strong></td><td width="20%">64.52%</td><td width="20%">77.82%</td><td width="20%">78.8%</td><td width="20%">It takes a couple of drinks </td></tr><tr style="background-color: #ffffcc;" valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Sex Drive</strong></td><td width="20%">59.52%</td><td width="20%">75.63%</td><td width="20%">77.13%</td><td width="20%">A fool for love, but not always </td></tr><tr valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Straightness</strong></td><td width="20%">14.81%</td><td width="20%">40.21%</td><td width="20%">42.82%</td><td width="20%">Knows the other body type like a map </td></tr><tr style="background-color: #ffffcc;" valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Gayness</strong></td><td width="20%">74.07%</td><td width="20%">78.97%</td><td width="20%">91.74%</td><td width="20%">Had that experience at camp </td></tr><tr valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Dominant</strong></td><td width="20%">78.33%</td><td width="20%">87.25%</td><td width="20%">91.53%</td><td width="20%">Afraid to cross at "Don't Walk" signs </td></tr><tr style="background-color: #ffffcc;" valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Submissive</strong></td><td width="20%">80.95%</td><td width="20%">87.63%</td><td width="20%">91.73%</td><td width="20%">Submits to no one... almost </td></tr><tr valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Fucking Sick</strong></td><td width="20%">81.63%</td><td width="20%">90.21%</td><td width="20%">92.33%</td><td width="20%">Refreshingly normal </td></tr><tr style="background-color: #ffffcc;" valign="top"><td width="20%"><strong>Total Score</strong></td><td width="20%">61.98%</td><td width="20%">74.31%</td><td width="20%">78.87%</td><td width="20%"> </td></tr><tr><td colspan="5" align="center"><a href="http://www.theferrett.com/purity2/"><strong>Take The Ultimate Purity Test 2.0<br>and see how you match up!</strong></a><br /><br />(By <a href="http://theferrett.livejournal.com/">The Ferrett</a>)</td></tr></table> |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|09:33 am] |
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I'm really scared. I've never lost a friend before. I hope I don't anytime soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2006|09:02 pm] |
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so here's what happened. I crashed my bike and was upset because I was A. scared someone messed with it and B. Upset because there was no one to help me out.
I'm sorry my blogs keep getting so emo. It's a lamecry for attention. Not that I don't like attention but that's a really cheap way to get it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2006|04:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
I had another accident on my bike. Not that I peed my pants on my bike but rather that I almost didn't make it here. I used that same joke the last time this happened because then it wasn't a big deal. I felt a jerk and swerved into someone's yard then walked it the rest of the way to school. I was scared as hell at the time but today I didn't gain control and crashed and skid and scraped my knee and cried like a four year old. I looked like one too, with my damn dog and I'm not wearing any make-up. Skeeter's fine. He was no where near me when it happened. I was crying because I was hurt, physically its just that knowing no one is going to help me. I don't have any friends. Theres no one I can say "Hey can I get a ride home, can I use your cell phone."
The last time something was wrong with my bike, my red 10speed, I showed my dad and he said "there's no way this just happened. Someone was messing with it."
I do have a lot of enemies. I had to fish my notebook out of the garbage and peel gum off of my books and even my locker. I had to retake a test once because someone took it out of the tray and hell if I know where it is now. Luckily Mrs. Hicks saw me turn it in.
It's really scarey. What if I had been crossing the street when that happened? what if I landed on my dog.
It's not just because I'm black either. That is part of it. There is no escaping that. But I just recently reallized that people genuinely hate me. That's from the musical. These girls didn't know I was just on the other side of the door waiting to use the bathroom and were in there just tearing me apart. now, I know people don't like me. I thought they just didn't like, me not that they DISliked me. But then I reallized that people really hate me.
I still needed to use the bathroom but now also because I wanted a tissue and to cry a little. But the moms and one lead girl were having costume troubles and were in there for forever. Finally a nicer one asked me if I needed to use the restroom but as soon as they got out a girl ran in from the other door: "the bathroom's free! Great!" and walked right passt me as a mean mom opened the door for her. I looked to her like: wtf? And she just looked at me and went on. So then I ran to the other bathroom and tried to hang myself with my costume. I don't remember why I didn't either.
I was so ready to forgive those girls too. "They didn't know I could hear them. It's not like they would have said that to my face. They're probably just nervous about the show. they're probably on their periods." But a 2x days later I felt differently. I don't even talk to them. What do they have against me.
so I'm thinking about dropping out of school and moving to La to try to find work acting. There certainly isn't anything keeping me here.
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2006|09:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
wow....that's not an excited or surprised wow but rather an extremely depressed "wow." And then there was what Mrs. Ronane said in the awards assembly. Gosh....
I raised my hand in the assembly when they asked "who thinks this could never happen to them" Well, yes, definately I could see my brother dying in a car wreck. I thought they were asking if I was going to be in a wreck. And no, that won't happen to me. Most wrecks are kids screwing arround with their friends.
I just keep hoping things get better. Like "Oh, well when I get a car, or when I get a job, or when I'm a senior. Or maybe if I do this, or this...." But it isn't going to work. I don't even think i want it to. I've been disappointed way too many times. There's no way in hell I'll ever trust anyone ever again.
I think they teach you the wrong lessons growing up.
It is better to have fake friends, than no friends. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2006|09:30 pm] |
So I got the job at the pool. I'm very excited about that.
I also kicked some serious ass at the tournement! First place sparring earning me a <4' troffee. Making me a national champion, again. I can tell my name is starting to get out too. I had a couple people asking if they saw me at other tournements. Which, they didn't but it just goes to show that the world is starting to make way for D.Breit.
I got a lot of work to do if I want to go to arts day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2006|12:17 pm] |
Job interview went very well! Problem is they want me to come back next saturday during Dance practice. I don't really like the idea of only having 2 practices before a show. Now, I've been doing this for years and it's not really the practice I'm worried about. I'm confident it's just that I really like to Polka on a saturday morning! I think I already wrote a blog about that. So I'll just have to make sure I don't forget the monday practice.
The Wiz! One of my most favorite childhood movies is now a play that Eastlight is going to put on. HELLZ YEAH! I'm going to call as soon as I get my hands on a phone for more info. Gotta make sure it doesnt come the same day as the school play or nothing. I'm going up for dorothy. I guess this is the kind of situation where you would check "No, I would not accept another role." yeah, cause if I'm the star of my senior fall play and some extra in some other place where I could do a b'jillion million other shows I don't want to have that bugging my senior fall play. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2006|01:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
*uncomfortable* Soo....theres...quite a bit on my mind right now. WOW!! But, I'm affraid to blog any of it. I mean it feels like I need to blog it or else it's just going to explode!!! But, I don't know. I don't really know how to handle this situation! LOL!! I mean I have my ideas! >:] but,...WOW! I don't know. Then I started to think of the actuall consequences of what could happen. THe musical showed me that. ONly this would be a b'jillion-million time worse!!! That is if things work out. If they don'tthen nothing will happen....or I could be very much embarassed.
I still can't help but feel likea giddy school-girl!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|07:11 pm] |
HIgh school drama!!
Guys are stupid. |
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| You ruined EVERYTHING!! |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|07:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  I wish I couldn't wish anymore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dani California | ] |
I dont' understand. it all happened soo long ago. But everything just keeps coming back to bite me in the face. I let it go. i've gotten over it. I've BEEN over it, but it's like everywhere I go, everything that happens there's something that you ruined for me!
I don't think things will EVER be the same. I don't think things are ever going to be bearable again.
I wish I'd never met you. |
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| ooh! Dat w'ascally w'abbit! |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|05:30 pm] |
I wore my easter bunny costume again this year.
Everything is all about perceptions and perceptions come from you. I always get a lot of mixed reactions. A lot of people saw my costume and said "Aww! How cute! you're a bunny!" while others said "OMG! Are you a playboy bunny you look like a whore!"
that combination- EXACTLY what I was going for. I like to be ambiguous like that.
So I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't have a ride to rocky, (If you can take me my #'s 309 635 1552) but then I thought, what if I go get my liscense tomorrow morning and then drive myself that night! Gosh, I'm still terified to drive on rt 116, speed limit 30mph, east peoria? and when was the last time I drove? I don't remember.
hopefully, I'll be doing the timewarp dance |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2006|04:53 pm] |
Hazaa! I got that vocal jazz solo I wanted! I was right, I have to share it with 2 other girls though. I called my mom right after choir and she gave me a rabbitl and a balloon! The balloon sad "congratulations" In big letters but you wouldn't believe how many people asked: "is it your birthday?"
My watch is missing. I left in the wrestling room and it wasn't there after school today. PRobably thrown away. Wouldn't be the first time. scum bags.
I'm wearing my fish vest today. W/my new teal sweater. really nice! tomorrow's gonna be cool
I got a nodoubt background for my myspace. I'm not sure how much I like it yet. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|09:53 pm] |
I still need a date to prom.
Heavy sigh |
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| 250!! |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|08:33 pm] |
This is my 250th journal entry! I've now had my lj for 2 years.
It's only to bad I don't have time to give a propper post. You see I have quite a bit of homework to do.
I"m auditioning for Grease! Rizzo or Frenchy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|05:11 pm] |
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YOu can tell it's starting to get nice out because there are absolutly no new blogs and no new myspace bullitins anywhere. Everyone is off having fun in the sun. NOt Daisy. It is kinda nice not having to rush to get a good computer at the library. |
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| mid youth crisis |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|02:38 pm] |
everyone laughes when I say I'm in a "mid youth crisis" but I'm 100% serious.
I'm starting to accept that I'm getting older. I've come to reallize that karate is RUINING my life. OR has already. I've been asking myself a lot of really tough questions. Even acting bit me in the face. Gosh, I thought the theatre was the one place that couldn't hurt me. I'm not broken up enough to give it up, nowhere close. Karate though? I don't know.
My whole world has been turned upside down.
I dont' wear my makeup all crazy anymore. I changed somethings in my lj and myspace to be more mature.
This is NOT where I wanted to be at 17.
And I have so little youth left. |
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